Mission Incomplete

This summer I went to Tuba City, AZ on a missions trip. We went to share the gospel to the Navajo people living on the Tuba City reservation. We attempted to do this through VBS for kids, teen outreach, and an adult ministry. It was a ten day trip that really changed my life.

At first it was sort of difficult. I am a huge introvert so it was hard meeting so many new people and having to be around people all the time. On one of the days near the end I practically broke down crying because I just wanted to go home. Everyone else went to McDonalds to get ice cream I stayed in the room to enjoy the bittersweet 45mins to myself. I think it was particularly difficult for me because I felt unappreciated or constantly over looked. It sounds so petty, but I have always struggled with this insecurity of feeling like I am a faceless person lost in a crowd of people. Later I talked to an older brother from the team and the topic of feeling insignificant came up. He basically said that we are insignificant, we aren't special, we are losers. He called himself a loser and my immediate reaction was "You're not a loser" but he corrected me and said "Yes I am, saying we are not is totally a worldly view, I am only able to be somebody because of Jesus."

I immediately saw my mistake. I was serving thinking I was glorifying God, but I was really looking for my own glory and justification. I also saw that it can be good to feel helpless because it reveals to us that we need Christ that much more. We could look for comfort in other people, but they are always going to disappoint even when they don't mean to because we as humans are not perfect. Our dependence needs to be on God and only Him.

I also saw God's power and realness during the trip. In Tuba City there is a lot of spiritual warfare. On one of the nights the Virginia team participated in a deliverance. Two teens were being oppressed by the enemy and they needed to be liberated. Through prayer and scriptural reading we declared the name of Christ and they were delivered. Afterwards many of us were scared because what we had witnessed was so real. The enemy was so real, but we failed to focus on the greater part of the story. The part that God defeated the enemy, God was victorious. Just the utterance of His name holds more power than Satan and all of his workers. It was a scare tactic the enemy was trying to use to deter us and bring us down. He wanted us to focus on the demon part rather than on what was important, freedom through Christ!

This experience made me want to memorize more of the word. You never know when such an opportunity may arise and so being armed with the word at all times allows us to always be ready. My older sister taught me to carry my bible around ALL the time, which I do, but having the word memorized is even better. After that night I repeated Psalms 23:4 in the dark when I was scared. I was glad I had that one memorized, it brought me comfort as I laid in bed.

In conclusion this trip was amazing. It has been two weeks since my return and I am still squeezing out blessings from the trip. Every day God reminds me of His infinite majesty. Before the trip was even over the enemy tried to bring me down. The day before we left AZ my sister called me with news from home. It was not good news. My family had been going through rough times recently particularly because of my little brother. As soon as she told me, I began to feel hopeless, as I always do when I think about my family. Later that night as I reflected on the trip and prayed I saw that my "mission" was not over. Even though I was leaving Tuba City I needed to continue the same work I was doing for God in AZ back at home, starting with my family. I needed to pray with the same fire and faith for my brother and the rest of my family. I am trying to apply all that I have learned to my life here with the same urgency that I felt in Tuba City. The need for Christ's love and presence is all around us.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
-Romans 5:1-5

What is in your hand?

The future is nearing and it is all the more scarier because there are things in my past that I regret. I know that I have to eventually face the consequences of bad decisions, if I haven't already, sooner or later.
I have been struggling with a certain secret I kept for a long time. I struggle with lying, I'm kind of really good at it. Which is a really bad thing. I decided to come clean and tell someone. This person (who will remain anonymous, but it's probably really obvious as to whom I am referring to) at first was suprised...then he apologized. He was sorry that he didn't make himself approachable enough for me to be able to tell him the truth from the beginning. WHAT? So unexpected but I was so incredibly touched. It was so liberating and I felt even more confident that God working in my life.
After this liberating experience I immediately felt heavy and anxious again. I am not completely free of my sin. There was more I needed to do to, but once again God stepped in to break my chains from my sin that was causing so much guilt and stress.
"What is in your hand?" -Exodus 4:2
These are the words God spoke to Moses when Moses doubted his ability to fulfill his calling from God to free the Israelites from Egypt. Rather than trying to look far into the future or dwelling on that regretful past God wants us to focus on the present. In Moses' hand was his staff, God tells him with that staff Moses would be able to perform miracles. He just needed to take one step at a time and as his trust in God grew so did the miracles.

Before I start freaking out and breaking down I will remember this verse. I think I will make it my motto for the rest of this semester or until God reveals a new verse for me to mediate on.

Rain Rain go away...

I hate the weather right now. Its making me feel so gloomy.

This morning I was reading from the Our Daily Bread website. The title of the message was Fragile Existence. We go through life not knowing what is going to happen, we guess and sometimes we plan but we still have no power over the future. This can be really frustrating at times because sometimes I feel like I don't have the faith to just believe God will make everything work out. I wish I could be more like Job. He didn't deserve all the crap that was happening in his life yet he never doubted God's doing.

God allowed bad things to happen to Job to test him, but sometimes God allows bad things to happen because we deserve it and other times life is great.

I wonder what God is doing in my life right now...

Do I deserve all of these struggles? Or is God testing me?

I will never know for sure but the only thing I can do now is have faith in Him that everything is happening for a reason. Sounds simple enough, but why can't I do it?

This is my prayer in the desert

When all thats within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is a God who provides

One a happier note...

Just started watching Glee and it makes me very happy :] but also envious of their beautiful voices...sigh...haha

I love my Job!

I am back from my blogging hiatus. I know you are all [all like three of you...maybe less] are dying to hear what I have to say to feel enlightened. hahaha. Just kidding!

On with my entry...

Besides being a full-time student I also have a part time job at The Covenant School, or TCC for short. It's a small christian private school. I help out with the afterschool program [like a daycare] for kids whose parents can't pick them up right away.

Every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday I head over after classes. My co-workers are super nice and the kids are adorable. On my third day as I was walking the kids out to the playground when a second grade girl, Emma, reached out to hold my hand. So cute!! I didn't even know her name nor did she know mine at the time. lol.

I love going to see kids like Nira, Kayman, Jessi, Matt, and little kindergardener Ryan with his big head and very loud voice. And even thought he punched his second grade brother in the face giving him a black eye, he is still precious.

Also there is this one kid named Eddy, he's a little korean fob boy in first grade. I love when he speaks english cause its super formal. When I have snack duty I ask him what he wants and his answer is always "Something delicious!" hahaha. Also when you say thank you he says "You are welcome!" not you're welcome like most people do. The first time I spoke korean to him he looked up at me with wide eyes and a look of amazement/surprise. He asked me "Are you korean?" I said yes. He said "I am korean too!" hahaha

Before I started working I had a mixed feeling of excitement and nervousness.

I was happy that I found a job that worked with kids, but also worried because I didn't know how the kids would accept me. BUT to kids there are no standards. They don't jusge and demand you to be a certain way in order to be your friend. They just talk, play, and love one another without holding back.

Yesterday after recess the kids were standing in line according to grade. There were only two first graders, Eddy and Kayleigh, and they just gave each other a really big hug! SO ADORABLE!

There was no reason except that they were friends :]

Once again God's word rings truth through and through. There is so much we can learn from these precious little souls. <3

" ¹At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"

²He called a little child and had him stand among them. ³And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

⁵"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. "

-Matthew 18:1-5

I'm sure this bible verse is familiar. Its one that has been coming back to me over and over again. I thought I understood this passage after working with KCC kids, but once again God humbled me and challenged me further. We need to love like children love and believe like children believe. Simply.

There is no need to question and wonder when it comes to God, cause God does not have hidden secrets and meanings. He lays it all out for us in the bible. Why do we make it so complicated and why do we search for truth when all we need to is ask? If we ask with full faith that God will answer, then He will.

Its not telling us to act like children, immature and naive. We need to study the word and understand it at a depth in order to be firmly rooted in the word of God. If we don't know the bible then someone could lead us to believe the wrong thing. So in that sense we don't want to be like children [Cause kids believe everything. lol]. I think He just meant in our faith and love we need to mirror the pure hearts of children.

I recently watch a documentary Ye-Kyung told me about called The Finger of God. [Go find it on Youtube! Its so amazing!!!] There truly is power in prayer! [something else God is constantly beating into my head cause I just always seem to forget it]

Near the end of the film there is a clip about Hedi Baker, this amazingly powerful woman of God. She is healing so many people in Africa [the blind, the crippled, the deaf, etc...] with prayer and not just any prayer but the prayer of children because their minds are not corrupted. When they pray they fully believe God will deliver, their hearts are not twisted and tainted with the sin of the world when loving Him and others.

Its so incredibly humbling. I am now twenty years old, I've lived on this earth for twenty years, but that means nothing. I walk around TCC and KCC with authority thinking I am above all of these kids, but when it comes to comparing sins I outnumber them no doubt and those numbers will only grow. They beat me! I lose!

Illusion!

Yay for wholesale shopping at Costco!

I love that everything is so cheap, I got my new phone for like $60!!! INCREDIBLE

(those are not my hands...fyi)

It wasn't just released or anything and I think other people have this phone, but still I love how the keyboard changes when you open it in different ways. funn

"Illusion Michael, Illusion" [for Arrested Development fans]

that is all.

new blog, new shoes, new perspective please!

For a long time I didn't create a blog for two reasons.

1. I thought it was a place people liked to be all emo and where they would pretend to hide their emotions through "vague" wording. It seemed pretty lame, but I know see it as a place to express myself freely!

2. I couldn't think of a good name, not saying that the one I picked now is the best, but I'm not to stressed cause I hear you can change it if you want.

Anyways here goes my first entry...

My older called saying that my little sister was bummed cause my dad wouldn't let her buy a new dress for her homecoming. Since I am going home on Friday I thought I would get one for her. I headed over to Marshalls and couldn't find anything for her but ended up buying new shoes for myself. Fail, but YAY! I love new shoes, they make me so happy :]

I went to show Ben my new shoes and he looked at the label and said "Michael Kors, ooo thats an expensive brand." He knows that because he use to watch Project Runway with me.

He is the best!!!

Also while talking to my sister she told me that my mom said I changed a lot since I started dating, in a good way. I listen more genuinely, I'm nicer, I have more patience, I know how to show affection, and I know how to compliment others[these last two were super hard to learn].

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how when Ben and I first started dating. There were so many people that did not think it was a good idea. Honestly it makes me upset and I feel really misunderstood till this day. Some believed it was rushed, some thought that because I was a first year I didn't know what I was doing, or some thought our motives were wrong. Yes, it was my first time dating and yes it was really new and I didn't know what was going to happen, but I did know the important facts. I knew that Ben and I both were going into this relationship after at least a month of praying and that we both went in with the big picture in mind- marriage. The rest of it we left to God and time. We have made mistakes and such, but who doesn't? I feel like I've grown so much through this relationship, through my failures I saw where I was weakest, through his failures he saw where he was weakest, and together with the love of God we edified each other. Isn't this what God meant for people to do through fellowship?

So next time before you pass judgement on others or make assumptions based on very little....please stop and try to have some perspective, try to see them with the love of God.

"To assume makes an a** out of you and me." [excuse my language]

I know this is something I still struggle with, but I try harder because I know its not a good feeling to be misunderstood or wrongly judged.

The end of post #1

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

John 13:34

also Matthew 7:1-5